Sweet tooth

I have a sweet tooth but I'm trying to control such unhealthy craving for sinfully rich desserts like cakes,muffins,tarts and puddings by eating fresh fruit like blueberry,dragonfruit,starfruit and mango.
  But to get a homebaked birthday cake is a wonderful treat but I'm an absolute failure at any thing that needs baking as those thingy that enter the oven hardly emerges looking like anything similar to the glossy picture of a recipe book-most probably what comes out looks hardly fit for human consumption. That glossy creamy moist chocolate cake I baked  turned out to look like the volcano with a sunken crater in the middle,oozing out hot lava from its sides or the coffee cake that looks like the ground split into deep chasms after an earthquake has split the earth and cracks appeared on the surface.Even the stray cat took a sniff at the BLOB and ran for its life despite my pathetic attempts to coax it to try a bite.
    But I'm an eternal optimist so I've found a recipe for a chocolate cake adapted from Nigella Lawson's book Feast.OMG trying to emulate the domestic Goddess at whose feet I worship.So when I googled "The Idiots Guide to Baking a Cake-fuss free and failure proof" the Google Artificial Intelligence took a long time to figure out this IDIOT's request and out pop "Recipe for a very simple chocolate cake" for simpletons ONLY.

    Now I'm scratching my head.What is " a stick of butter"? ,am I supposed to get a yardstick to measure the amount of butter.
 This is not rocket science but what the hell is the difference between to whisk the egg whites or do I whip the cream? Sounds very like some manual on dominatrix training on use of kitchen utensils to make cooking an instrument of torture,I have to beat the eggs ,crush the nuts and I give up- scorch my finger by dipping it in the milk to test the temperature.This freaks me out so I'll head to the nearest bakery to indulge in sinfully rich cakes.Forget about trying to be a wannabe domestic goddess- The proof of the pudding is in the eating- and who says you can't have your cake and eat it too.Second helpings anyone and smell the aroma of Earl Grey or Orange Pekoe steaming hot tea which I savour after giving up slaving over a hot oven.That's my cup of tea!